It's all in the head.

I've spent the entire Sunday being angsty & fearful about many hundreds of things, so I dug up the stash of angsty pieces I've collected from other journals & read them all. It's amazing how reading even more angst can relieve some of your own. Honestly! & sometimes, it puts you in an even more fitting mood to appreciate heartwrenching or warming stuffs. I've never really steered towards angst/death fics but yeah, I was in a weird mood.

I think I'm gonna start babbling way too much but heck, I shall type alot of things here tonight before I go to sleep because I need to empty things that's been nestling in my head. My brain/mind thinks far too much for my own good.

So, i read miss_sanzo again, & I'm still amazed by how completely balanced the entire plot is. Read debbris 's 'even if i hold onto you' & likewise, I was totally taken away. Sometimes it isn't totally about the style of writing, right? To me, words may be simple but it's basically the emotions carried behind that matter the most. You have no idea how emotionally shaken I can get from reading :O Ah,     sacchlovedbsk    writes amazing stuffs too.

& yes, it totally doesn't matter to me that I'm reading content based on 2 guys. Why the heck would I if I've been writing things on them for so long? Doesn't bother me at all, not the slightest bit. Love comes in all forms, doesn't it? It's different when people are plain confused about their sexual orientation, and when they're absolutely straight but screwed the other way only for that one person because they've shared too many pasts before. I don't know if anyone gets it, but yeah the latter happens rarely, so I think it has to be looked at, not criticised, at a different level. Fics written may be stupid & shallow, but it all rooted from the fact that their affection is painfully obvious in reality. So what if people twist those into other stupid tales? Everyone needs some dosage of unrealistic plotlines. That's why they're called fanfics.

As hypocritical as the following may sound, I have to admit though that I still get disturbed by two gays smothering or getting all over each other in the trains or whatnot, though I'm personally not anti-gay myself. Like I mentioned, it's different when it looks like people are just plain confused, or when they know it's something they really want & go all out for it because it's special. Many I see in public look like they belong to the former, & though it's shallow to judge but hey, it's human instinct. I cringe, and sometimes laugh & tease, but hey, everyone's a bitch. If it's something they're clear about, though, I salute them.

I don't know why I sound like I'm trying to speak up for my non anti-gayness at this time of the night, & I think I sound like I'm arguing something but yeah, I'm gonna attribute all that to the lack of stability and sleep. Ah, after all the 'gayness' though, I'd end it by saying that uh, yeah, I'm straight. Not all people who believe in gayness are gay, if you didn't know that simple fact. :D It's not disgusting. I wouldn't blame or argue with you if you think the reverse though. Everyone's allowed their own opinions, jeez.

Kay after that episode above, I'm gonna start ranting about my weird dreams these days. I had an awfully awesome dream last night & it made me feel so contented in my sleep, but I woke up wondering why on earth I dreamt of that. It may seem cliche for me to want to say that dreams sometimes tell you what you want most deeply inside, yeah, sometimes. Maybe I still wish that something like that could happen because things would get resolved, but then again I wish that it'd never happen in reality because I've moved on, I think. To relook into everything again would only open up past pains, frustrations and embarrassments, so why do it? What if I decide that I'm gonna do something about it, but no one cares anymore.

And it started to make me wonder why many of us can't exactly live in the present, but look towards only the past or the future. We keep saying things like we wish we could go back to then, or look forward to getting out of some damn college for instance, but then when we really do, we continue the cycle of never really living in the present. Why do so many of us hate things we're doing right now? I keep telling myself that there's no point in doing this, because it'll trap us with regrets and all, sooner or later than you'll know.

So, for instance, I tell myself that I gotta love studying, because I'm working for something I want & that I gotta love my life right now, but I realised that studying isn't everything. How do you clear your mind and gear it solely for concentrating on your studies, when so many other things are bugging you? How is it possible to focus on it, when the other issues aren't merely things that you can put aside meanwhile? Then again, even if you manage to, what about the dread and fear of having to bear the onslaught of them all at the same time once your exams have ended? This is pure shit, seriously, but I'm not gonna say what they are because no one will understand.

I should get treated for worrying too much, necessarily or not, because it's paralysing me mentally. Ugh.

As stupid as it sounds, I remember how people used to tell me that they think I'm optimistic & all in the past, but yeah pretty much, "in the past". I agree that I was, & I wished I could get that old me back because this new me's too complex & terrorizing. I don't exactly tell my friends how much I'm fearing about many things, probably because I'm just not accustomed to, or someone would probably die or hate me when I'm done. Not many people truly can bear with listening to your rants, even though they call you their friends. Though there are still some precious few though. It's unfair to blame people when they're caught up with their lives too. So yes, I gotta save myself, man. Start being optimistic again and live life, breathe life. Got alot of mental conditioning to do. Hmmm. Wonder where that would start from, though. Step 1 shall begin the moment when I'm through with this entry.

WEILING WILL BE OPTIMISTIC AND HAPPY, LIKE REAL HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING SHE'S DOING. SHE'S NOT GOING TO LIVE THIS LIFE BY REGRETTING.

Yeah, something like that. I should imprint it into my head. Anyway, I should blog about more happy days often, because I realised that I did that when I was more optimistic back then. It's kinda like self-psychology, like the more you write about happy things the happier you get. Whereas sometimes the sadder you are, it gets better when you write. Hahaha. Things work in awesome ways at times, like positive feedback for positive stuffs and negative feedback for negative stuffs. Mental 'homeostasis', I'd say. (Hahaha.)


This entry's getting really long but I like it. >:) I seem to be able to concentrate on many other things other than studying, boo. Gotta condition that away too. A freaking 20 days or something left. Oh well, the roads get better just as long as you keep rolling on. Sigh, it's 1:23am but I'm not sleepy yet..I think I've got a phobia of sleeping these days. I wish mornings could last forever, or evenings even better. On a totally random note, I still can't believe that I hurt someone consciously when that person's someone I care so fucking much about. More mental condition has to be put into place, Wei Ling. I hope I dream of better things tonight, things that I know can never happen in truth.

So yes, after this seemingly non-ending entry of babbles in which I may have sounded annoying, I'm gonna go sleep, because a day of mugging awaits me. Intense, essential mugging that's been missing in my life for the past few days. I hope my mind doesn't fail me though. Gotta keep telling myself, this isn't impossible.

20 days to redeem everything you've not done to improve your studies; it's not impossible. Nothing is too overbearing for a strong mind. A strong mind I shall have...

Goodnight. (:

-gives the world a big hug, some sunflowers, daisies, & apples ♥

This shall be an official post to accumulate the many things that I intend to do after the A's :D I think it'll just keep growing longer but nevermind, it gives me something to look forward to!

x Write a stupid, typical high school romance fic
x Learn the acoustic guitar so I can learn to fill chords for my lyrics
x Take up secret _____ lessons with Ceeceecher!
x Learn the piano from my neighbour
x Give tuition at my auntie's friend's centre + Private tuition so I can earn $$$$
x Take up some interesting job
x Go hiking 
x Travel overseas with my family, cousins, friends!
x Lose another 5+ kg at least by running + more running 
x Be a better daughter in every way possible
x Be a better sister & make sure I listen to the 101 stories my sister tell me everyday
x Be a better sister by telling my brother to stop being an idiot
x Stayovers at friends' houses! 
x Fill up my photo albums with more pictures
x Buy 4D & Toto so I can try to win $$$ (after I turn 18)

Okay, that's all for now, & they're all pretty lame, but yay, liberation from the exams soon :) Soooooooooooooooooooon. 

Spent a good day studying at the airport with Peijun today :) Had a great time talking to her! Can't wait for A's to end :)

Anyway, I almost threw up on the bus on my way home at about 9 + pm. I think I got a bit too sick from studying & probably from missing dinner too. Gargh. It was such a terrible feeling!

I haven't blogged for a really really long time hor. Ah yes, anyway, I think that Amber is so damn, freaking, mega awesome hot. I would totally turn les for her, hahaha. She's just so, ah! Okay those who don't know much about her will probably go "argh, just another amber fan" ...whatever. I think it's annoying. 

Oh yes, today Peijun & I were talking, & I can't believe that she ends her exams 2 weeks earlier than me! :O It's like, WHAT! She can go for a holiday to japan, korea, africa or something, come back & I still won't have ended my exams. Horrid, utter horridness! On another note though, it's a mere 4 Sundays more to the first paper. -screams

Always keep the faith! 

<3

I think I miss my grandma like crazy & it's so bad because everytime I see someone who looks like her, my nose turns sour immediately and I feel like crying. Can't believe I'm such a piece of emo goo. It's strange that I keep thinking about her every other day recently.

):

Anyway, prelims ended today & I feel terrible. The papers were so bad this time & I don't even dare to think about it. It feels like absolute fail and all, so I decided that I should go home after the last paper and wallow in some self-remorse and self-hatred because I deserve it.

& also because I think I need some rest to still the fucking phlegm that keeps building in my throat every morning. It's honestly terrible & I don't even know what kind of medicine I need to get well. I'm on the verge of going bonkers every time it starts bothering me.

Okay, anyway, I didn't say anything about not going out for the next few days. I shall go & play like an idiot for the next 3 days before I coop myself up to study. I can hardly wait, sleepover at Vivian's tmr, Clarke Quay the whole night. Then arcade outing with Cece, Hark, Anges (hopefully) & Jieying on sunday. Board games cafe (I don't know which one we're going) with sec4 friends on monday :) 

I hope I'm well enough to get out of the house & play wildly. 

I've got a new favourite band/singer(actually) called Owl City, because the songs are so beautifully written, melody, lyrics and all. Vanilla twilight's one of my fav songs & I really really like it. 

>:) 

I think I've written too many things with marshmallow fluff & all. Too unrealistic, hm. Maybe I should try writing some angst tonight. 

Guilt catches onto you and leeches on you like a parasite, eating away your insides, leaving you drained and empty. It doesn't stop till it gets enough; yet, it never does, and never will. So you go on, realising its existence but just never doing enough to rid it, or you try so hard till it backfires and crashes onto you, stronger and never like before. It's like a bottomless pit, one where you fall deeper, or like a mesh of crap tumbling downhill, balling onto more of itself as it slides and when it finally reaches the end, it's large enough to suffocate you. 

Guilt and regret are mutually dependent. They intersect at many ways possible, and there's no telling of which is which, just because. 

:\

You know your head's becoming a ball of emptiness when this happens:

x  The electric kettle at your home's spoiled. Because you're the one in your house who refills the water at home all the time, meaning you bother to boil the water and refill the jugs & what not, you're really happy when your mum buys a new one, with some cute star design. & then you think to yourself: "Yay! I have a new friend" & you honestly feel genuinely happy

(Trust me, I still can't believe that actually ran through my head)

x  Everytime you look at your Math book, you feel sleepy and think to yourself that it's just the medicine making you drowsy. However, when you find yourself doing other rubbish (like watching tv) you realise you're not sleepy at all.

x  When you're singing something you really like, then realise you can't stay on key because you're just so dispirited mentally.

x  You feel so depressed when the skies suddenly turn grey and it starts raining witches and wizards, but when the sun comes out, you start cursing how unbelievably disturbing the sun's rays are

x  You still can't find a song that'll suit your mood (like settle you down to study) even though there're close to 3000 songs in your iTunes library. It sucks. Especially when it continues for daysssssssssssss. Like, you know, you play a song you usually like but then rip out the ear plugs not even a minute into it because it suddenly gives you a headache. Gah.

I shall go & bathe now. I should stop posting online so frequently. I'm still in the middle of prelims damn it.